The Gardener Speaks

2011 Pumpkin Gallery

2011-10-31T09:15:00.001-04:00

Happy Halloween

History Isn't What It Used to Be

2011-10-04T23:02:00.002-04:00

Tonight was Back to School Night for D4. The Queen and I calmly moved from class to class one at a time (in contrast to the confusion when we go for D1, D2 and D3). When we got to the last class - social studies/ancient civilizations - the teacher, a very bright, energetic man, was expounding on all of the great things the class would be learning this year. "Only problem is our textbooks were published 10 years ago. We need to get updated versions."

Here's my question: If the kids are studying civilizations from thousands of years ago, what difference does it make whether the book was published in 2001 or 2011? As long as all the pages in the book are intact, shouldn't that be enough? Or am I missing something here?

Air Travel Pet Peeves II

2011-08-07T21:39:00.000-04:00

There is plenty of legroom in economy. Just ask any child.

Air Travel Pet Peeves

2011-07-15T18:00:00.002-04:00

When I look at the back of the seat in front of me, I see a magazine holder and a miniature TV. Why does the 5 year old in the seat behind me see a large sign that says KICK HERE?

How fast was I going, officer?

2011-07-14T17:00:00.002-04:00

I like to tempt fate. When I see a police car with a radar gun, I don't slow down. I speed up. In fact, I even wave at the cop as I zoom by, daring him to fire up those flashing lights and come after me. You might call it foolish. I call it living life on the edge, and it has yet to catch up to me. You see, for some reason, no matter how fast I go, the police seem reluctant to ticket a runner.

Disney fails a biology test

2011-05-15T09:05:00.004-04:00

Or more exactly, lyracist Howard Ashman (1950-1991) failed biology. How did I come to this conclusion? Check out the lyrics to "Under the Sea", the signature song of the movie The Little Mermaid.

What do they got - a lot of Sand?

We got a hot crustacean band.

Each little clam here know how to jam here under the sea.

Each little slug here cutting a rug here under the sea.

Each little snail here know how to wail here,

That's why it's hotter under the water,

Yeah we in luck here down inthe muck here under the sea!

Clam: Not a crustacean, but a mollusk.

Slug: Also, not a crustacean, but a mollusk.

Snail: Yet one more mollusk.

In fact,

The newt play the flute,

The carp play the harp,

The plaice play the bass and they sounding sharp.

The bass play the brass,

The chub play the tub,

The fluke is the duke of soul (Yeah!)

The Ray he can play,

The ling's on the strings,

The trout rockin' out,

The blackfish she sings,

The smelt and the sprat,

They know where it's at,

And oh that blowfish blow!

Do you see any crustaceans in that list? Add in the sturgeon and the sardine, the other two sea creatures mentioned inthe song. Still no crustaceans.

So the only crustacean in the entire song is Sebastian himself. Hmm... a little self centered, aren't we?

This is not an indictment of Disney in general. At least Walt properly identified seven diminuitive men as dwarves rather than midgets.

The Royal Wedding

2011-04-29T17:00:00.003-04:00

I was not invited to the royal wedding. That's OK, I didn't expect to be, and it's probably a good thing. When I came downstairs this morning, the kids had the event on the television, and I saw the man in the picture at the left walking down the aisle. I am told his name is Dr. Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury.

Now I have no idea what kind of a spritual leader Dr. Williams is - not being English there is practically zero chance of us ever interacting in any way. Hopefully he does well by his fellow Anglicans.

The reason it's a good thing I was not invited to the wedding is that had I been sitting in the front row, the CNN cameras would have caught me laughing. Why? Because I had never seen a picture of the Archbishop before, and when I did I suddenly had a "Princess Bride" flashback (see below). At that moment, the only thing that was going through my mind was one simple question: "Is he going to introduce the service with the word "Mawaige"?

A Fence for the Myopic

2011-04-15T16:21:00.003-04:00

Take a few seconds to look at this picture...

What you can't see is that the fence extends for several hundred yards to the right. OK, I get it. They are protecting the railroad track at the top of the embankment.

But what is the deterrent value of the barbed wire? Is it just me or would anyone with half a brain just walk 3 feet to the left and save a lot of cuts and scrapes?

This is Soap?

2011-04-04T19:17:00.004-04:00

My mother in-law gave us a bottle of Pomegranate & Mango soap. Let's see... Mango - sticky mess. Pomegranate - the juice will stain just about anything. Put them together and rub them all over my hands. Mix in some other stuff (from the ingredient list) like water, ammonium laureth sulfate, sodium hydroxide, and about 15 unpronounceable chemicals. Call me crazy but when I'm done I still feel the need to wash up.

Iron Maiden

2010-05-30T18:33:00.002-04:00

While driving on the Garden State Parkway yesterday, I noticed a billboard advertising an upcoming performance by Iron Maiden at the PNC Bank Arts Center on July 11. "Now that's a blast from the past", I observed.

My wife's response: "I'll bet they are a bit rusty."

Cruising Yes, Listening No

2010-03-01T17:00:00.004-05:00

I was a bit late in getting to the February issue of Runner's World, in which there is a feature on celebrity runners. What caught my attention was not the article itself, but a picture of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes jogging together in Boston.

Now Tom Cruise may very well be a great conversationalist. However, it doesn't look good for him when he is photographed jogging along with his wife who is clearly wearing headphones.

Olympics HD

2010-02-26T13:00:00.000-05:00

We finally purchased a new HDTV. The picture is spectacular, and watching sports is a big improvement over the traditional signal. Unfortunately, not all the channels I get are HD. For example, MSNBC does not come in HD, while CNBC does. Normally I would not care, as neither are in my viewing habits (does anyone really like Keith Olbermann?) However, some of the Olympic events are shown on these two channels, so I have no choice.

So, on which one are they showing ice hockey? MSNBC - not HD. And on which one do we get 24/7 curling? CNBC.

Yep - that green painted circle on the ice looks so vivid I could reach out and touch it. Thanks a lot!

Super Who?

2010-02-07T22:47:00.003-05:00

Given the choice between watching the Superbowl halftime show and accompanying my wife to pick up her older sisters at a party, my youngest chose the latter. Her justification: "I don't want to watch some band that's really bad."

Goodbye Pete Townsend and Roger Daltry, hello Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber - at least according to the younger set.

Shea Butter

2010-01-15T04:11:00.002-05:00

It seems awfully coincidental that the appearence of products containing Shea Butter immediately followed the destruction of the original home of the NY Mets. Sure, they say the stuff comes from some tree in Africa, but I'm not convinced. It's supposed to work like Vaseline Intensive Care, but watch out, Mets fans... It will also take 10 mph off your fastball and cause you to go 0-fer the next 3 years.

The Writing on the Wall

2010-01-08T14:43:00.014-05:00

On the wall of my office hangs a large blackboard. Not a whiteboard, mind you. It uses real chalk (although the writing surface is actually green, not black). One of my colleagues makes fun of me because I may be the only person in Western business society who has not yet made the switch.

The board does have some history. My dad bought it when we started our company 25 years ago. He and I used to solve database challenges together on that board. And when my wife was a physics teacher and would need a quick lesson before instructing the students, she would stop at his office and he would diagram out problems and solutions for her.

But since I'm not all that into chalk dust, I was ultimately inclined to agree with my colleague that a change is in order.

So to get into the 21st century, I visited my favorite office products website. My existing chalk board is rather large, so the white board needs to be at least as large in order to avoid any wall repairs. The cost would be about $300.

On top of the initial purchase price, there is also the special eraser ($12), plus the markers($7). Finally add the sales tax (I'll pick it up in the store to save the $25 shipping charges), and the total is about $341.

What will my company and I get for its $341?

A clean white board with no chalk dust.
The ability to draw in vivid color.
A good buzz for everyone in the room every time a marker is uncapped.
The concern that someone will use a permanent marker by mistake.
A ruined marker every time one of my children visits and forgets to put the cap back on after drawing pictures.

Of course, when the markers need to be replaced, the old ones are discarded rather than recycled. The plastic parts of the marker will still be sitting in a landfill until the next millenium and then some. Probably right next to what's left of the board that was replaced.

Chalk, on the other hand, is naturally occurring, and upon usage fulfills the biblical admonition in Genesis 2:7 - For you are dust. And to dust you shall return. I'm also fairly certain that dust leaves no carbon footprint.

So upon further reflection, I have decided that my green board is greener than the white board in more than just its color. And it has better memories.

Footnote: The folks at Google are pretty clever. When my post popped up for the first time, so did an advertisement - for a new whiteboard!

What Are the Odds?

2009-12-10T23:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday (December 9th) I was the featured speaker at the Edison Chamber of Commerce Holiday party. Apparently Larry the Cable Guy backed out at the last minute and Jay Leno was unavailable on short notice. So I was next in line.

I typically start my talks by asking how many of the people in the room have daughters. In a room of 60 people, I would expect 20-40 hands to go up. Instead I saw exactly three! At first I thought perhaps they were just unresponsive, but as I began to interact I realized that I was in a sea of people with all sons. What are the odds?

Wow, talk about a tough crowd. Oh well, when the Estrogen jokes don't work, I can always fall back on the my old reliable - making fun of Danish names. That goes over like a charm.

2009 Pumpkin Gallery

2009-10-31T22:57:00.003-04:00

And 2008

And 2007

The World Series

2009-10-28T17:00:00.001-04:00

So, the 2009 World Series is upon us. Yankees vs. Phillies. "The Turnpike Series", as pundits have taken to calling it. Frankly, I find the nickname ironic, since the Turnpike in question is in New Jersey, a state that is home to neither the Phillies nor the Yankees. It would be analagous to calling an NFL playoff game between the Buffalo Bills and the Cleveland Browns, "The Northwest Pennsylvania Grudge Match". Of course, the proper name for a playoff matchup between the Bills and the re-incarnated Browns would be "Not in Our Lifetime - What Are You Smoking?"

The real dilemma, however, is what should this longtime suffering Mets fan do? Root for the hated crosstown rivals? Root for the hated divisional rivals? Root for injuries?

My daughters, in spite of their allegiance to the Mets, think Derek Jeter is cute. And it's hard not to recognize Mariano Rivera's long term excellence. So it seems the lesser of two evils is the Yankees.

If I sound funny, it's because I am holding my nose.

Is this sign really necessary?

2009-08-24T20:56:00.005-04:00

This photograph was taken at North Branch Park in Somerset County, NJ. One has to wonder: Is a person who is stupid enough to fire off a rocket during a horse show also likely to suffer from illiteracy?

Radio Interview

2009-08-10T17:37:00.002-04:00

First live radio interview Tuesday, August 11

--------------------------------

WNJC 1360 AM Philadelphia - 7:00-7:30 pm with Joe Fermano: "How to Use Your Life". After the fact, go to http://www.joefermano.com to listen to the show.

Is that hailstone bigger than a bread basket?

2009-07-29T17:00:00.005-04:00

Ever notice how hailstones are always communicated by their size in relation to other objects?

Apparently we are too stupid in the minds of the weather broadcasters to know what it means when someone says "half inch diameter hail". Instead, we are told that the hail is "grape sized".

Over the weekend, there were reports of "golf ball sized hail" in New Jersey. I wonder how many people know that a golf ball has a minimum size (1.68 inches), but there is no maximum size? I'll bet most people didn't even know that most golf balls are, in fact, 1.68 inches in diameter. So comparing hail to golf balls is really an indeterminate measure.

On the other hand, it would be fun to flip it around. Imagine at next year's British Open, over the sound of the wind whipping across the Scottish links, the announcer with the English accent whispers, "...and Tiger Woods just hit his hail-sized golf ball into the tall grass."

The Magic Tumblers

2009-07-16T23:17:00.003-04:00

When The Queen and I were married, we received as a wedding gift a set of 16 glass tumblers. They were beautiful, but they were so obviously fragile that we knew they would never last. It looked like a glass would break just by looking at it, let alone putting it through the dishwasher - and that was before we had triplets. My sister and her husband, who were married only 10 weeks earlier, received the same exact gift. So that at least one of us would be able to keep a complete set, my sister gave us hers. The tumblers are used several times a week, so it's not like we have hidden them from sight.

We just broke our first one - 18.5 years later. At this rate, my sister's set will be exhausted (still leaving us a complete set) in the year 2287.

Baby on Board

2009-05-06T17:00:00.004-04:00

While waiting in the seemingly endless line of cars attempting to traverse under the Hudson River through the Lincoln Tunnel, I happened to spot two cars that were adorned with yellow diamond window signs indicating "Baby On Board". As neither car had tinted windows and no one was moving very fast that morning, it was relatively easy to discern that the lone occupant of each vehicle was a female driver.

It makes one wonder to whom the yellow sign was referring, and what kind of harassment lawsuit would be initiated if one of the attendants at the toll plaza read the text and offered the greeting, "Hi there, baby!".

International Star Registry

2009-03-08T11:18:00.004-04:00

Are you familiar with the International Star Registry? This company has been around for a while – I catch their advertisements on the radio now and again. For anywhere from $54 to $500 you can name a star. Basically what happens is they locate one of the billions of stars in the heavens, affix your name to it, and record the name and location in a copyrighted book. Then they send you some type of commemorative materials to celebrate the occasion (just how commemorative determines the price of the package).

I have no problem with this. If people are entertained by it and feel that they have received something of value for their money, who am I to judge? However, it does make one wonder if each of those other billions of stars out there have enterprising individuals on their respective planets who are busily selling $54 naming packages that include our own sun.

In fact, it seems to me that when the Galactic Council convenes in Stardate 9467 (after we have developed interstellar space flight), the biggest challenge is going to be sorting out all the names.

In the meantime, I have come up with a variation on this theme as a way to ease our own federal deficit: Sell off the naming rights to the planets:

Mercury – Club Med
Venus – 1-800-Flowers
Mars (the red planet) – Coca Cola
Earth – Planet Microsoft (Bill Gates is the only one who can still afford it)
Jupiter – Wal-Mart
Saturn (rings) - DeBeers
Uranus – Preparation H
Neptune – Evian
Pluto – Disney
Asteroid Belt – Starbucks – they are everywhere, but seem to be a bit frayed around the edges these days.

A Green New Year

2009-01-16T17:00:00.006-05:00

On Dick Clark's New Year's Eve show, they made a big deal about the eco-friendly ball they were using in Times Square this year. Apparently the ball uses as much energy as would be required by a pair of standard household ovens.

Last night my wife and I took the kids into the city to see the Lion King. As we turned into Times Square, we were immediately blasted by the sea of lights from all direction. Neon, plasma screens, floodlights - the several block expanse at the confluence of Broadway and 7th Avenue may actually be brighter at night than it is during the day. The irony of this was clearly not lost on Daughter #1, who pointed to the other end of the square and sarcastically said, "Look - it's the eco-friendly ball!"

2008-10-31T16:14:00.005-04:00

Presenting the 2008 Pumpkin Gallery
- All hand carved by the Gardener -

Directions

2008-10-19T10:43:00.005-04:00

Every week my wife and I spend what seems to be a considerable amount of time planning out the weekend's optimal routes for getting our children to their various soccer games and other activities. This weekend, while searching for directions, I discovered that humor exists in government. Note the final entry.

Directions to Wall Township Municipal Complex (from the township website)

From the North: New Jersey Turnpike south to Exit 11; Garden State Parkway south to Exit 98.

From the South: New Jersey Turnpike north to Exit 7A; Interstate 195 east to the Shore Points Exit. Or if the Garden State Parkway is closeby, take it north to Exit 98.

From the West: Pennsylvania Turnpike east, over the bridge; New Jersey Turnpike North to Exit 7A; Interstate 195 east to the Shore Points Exit.

From the East: Swim swiftly west, avoiding reptilian, mammalian and other possible aquatic intruders. When you hit land, stop. Dry off and head due west in the neighborhood of 4 miles. You're here :)

Storefront

2008-09-07T10:56:00.004-04:00

A dry cleaning establishment simultaneously communicates store hours and larger priorities.

Just wondering - August 4

2008-08-04T08:23:00.002-04:00

What does a pagan yell in the throes of passion: "Oh my gods!"?

What is a Rescue Club?

2008-07-14T00:01:00.006-04:00

If you are not an avid golfer you may want to pass this up this post.

I played with the same set of clubs from 1987-2007, changing only my driver about 4 years ago. I have always believed that my inability to hit a golf ball as well as Jack Nicklaus has far more to do with genetics and practice habits than the steel-headed tubes that reside in my golf bag. My score went from the high 80's before marriage, to the low nineties after marriage (despite the fact that The Queen loves to play as well), to high nineties after children - all with the same exact set of clubs.

Recently I started to notice people playing with these funny looking clubs that appeared to be unable to decide whether they are irons or woods. After the obligatory "Where have you been hiding?", I was informed that these are called "rescue clubs". It seems you hit them when your ball is in the rough, and the smooth club head slides through without getting caught.

So last year when I finally replaced my irons, instead of getting a 3 iron, I got a 3R rescue club. It looks beautiful. Only problem is, I can't seem to hit it without my ball settling in worse trouble than I started.

I should have known better than to buy a club whose name rhymes with "fescue".

In case of emergency...

2008-06-24T14:46:00.003-04:00

I recently called a doctor's office during normal business hours. This is what I heard from the automated answering system (names changed, of course):

"Thank you for calling the offices of Dr.'s Smith, Jones, Robinson, McCarthy, Lipschutz, Passarelli, and Mehta."

[pause]

"Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed."

[pause]

"If you are calling to schedule an appointment, to cancel an appointment, or to change an appointment, press 1 now."

[pause]

"If this is a true emergency, press 2 now. Do not press 2 unless this is a true emergency."

It took 20 seconds to get to the instruction for what to do in a 'true emergency', including taking over 5 seconds to let us know that their menu options have changed. Changed from what? In the previous version was the true emergency choice 47?

Placebos

2008-06-11T10:32:00.007-04:00

I came across an article in which doctors were studying the effects of oral contraceptives containing estrogen on women with Lupus. The article quoted the New England Journal of Medicine as saying lupus symptoms in women taking the pills with estrogen were no worse than those using other forms of contraception, pills without estrogen, or those given placebos.

Where did they find the women willing to participate in this study?

The article failed to mention how many of those women taking the placebo birth control pills became PREGNANT!!!

Just wondering - June 2

2008-06-02T18:42:00.004-04:00

If your yo-yo won't come back up, is it just a yo?
How do you get out a club soda stain?
How do you tell if Syrup of Ipecac has gone bad?

Drive-through Banking

2008-05-30T07:35:00.000-04:00

Over the years in the town where I have my office, a few banks have closed up branches or moved to new locations, but the buildings remain. In general they become branches of other banks, but occasionally not. One such building remained vacant for over a year, and has just re-opened - as a urology clinic.

I used to visit this particular branch to do my own banking, and can attest to the fact that the building contains several drive-through lanes with (a) a fully operational pneumatic system to send those little cylinders back and forth to the cars, and (b) an ATM in the wall of lane #1.

I'm curious to know how they are making use of these built-in features for the urology clinic. The possibilities are endless...

Black Bear

2008-05-29T16:03:00.000-04:00

My local newspaper reported that a 200 pound black bear was struck and killed by a Toyota on Interstate 287. It makes me wonder: Why was the color and weight of the bear important, but neither the color nor weight of the driver (or the car, for that matter). Perhaps the news item should have been, "A 200 pound black bear was struck and killed by a 116 pound caucasian woman driving a 2421 pound silver Toyota Corolla."

Note: The woman driving the car survived - the Toyota was a total loss.

Postcard - Tights

2008-05-28T15:16:00.001-04:00

The inaugural Postcard, which originally appeared December 21, 2004

The setting: Family is preparing to go to worship services. Four daughters (ages 8, 8, 8 and 5) are scrambling to get ready on time. Mother calls out "5 minutes!!!" from downstairs.

Daughter #3 (panicked): Daddy, my tights don't feel right. Can you help me find the right size?

Father: I don't know anything about tights. They all look the same crumpled up in your drawer.

D3: But you know all about sizes and stuff.

Father (trying to be helpful): What size are you?

D3: Daaaadddddyyyy!

Father: Look, I really don't know anything about girls stockings. I don't wear them - (then adding, in a flash of brilliance) - just like you don't know anything about underwear with a fly in the front.

Daughter #2 (arriving on the scene): A what?

Father (oblivious to warning signs): A fly in the front.

D2 & D3 (unison): We don't get it.

Father: You know how your underwear is flat across, but your jeans have a zipper? Well, boys... (suddenly senses the magnitude of the tactical blunder) Oh, never mind. (hastily retreats to master bedroom and closes door)

D3 (through the door): Oh, now I get it!

Father (also through the door): I'm sure I don't want to know! Go downstairs and tell your mother you need help.